I think we all have issues, that affect all sorts of things in our lives. I have issues that affect my sex life and my want to discuss sex. The first is…
I have a pretty face. I have been told this so many times. I am actually grateful that people think this and tell me. I have quite a symmetrical face with one or two odd things about it, that I have been told add a quirkiness to my pretty. I have large grey eyes with fairly long, thick, curling eyelashes. I have fairly full lips and skin that tans easily, an inoffensive nose, and when I add make-up I look pretty. Without it I would argue about this. I am by no means stunning!
So, why would having a “pretty face” bother me? It bothers me because it implies that my face is the ONLY pretty thing about me. It implies that their is nothing else to find attractive. Which is fair enough because I am a BIG girl. I am more than just chunky, and this is the problem. It is not my “pretty face” that is the issue. My size and peoples subtle ways of pointing it out can and do affect my confidence.
I’ve always been a chunky girl, with a pretty face, and I have to say as my size has increased so my want to try new things in the bedroom has decreased. I feel the need to point out here, that Mr Rose is probably one of the only people never to use that particular statement with me. He just tells me I’m beautiful.
But still years of having my size discussed, as if it should matter to everybody else, has knocked me. It has made me want to cover my body as much as possible and not always in the lovely lingerie that is available. I have gone from a confident person who was always very willing to try new and exciting things. Someone who constantly teases and suggests things at regular intervals in the day just to turn my man on, into someone who hides. I enjoy myself and I want to try things but I have a wariness now that I’m bigger.
Sadly it isn’t just a confidence thing either. Being very over weight has caused me to be exhausted (or maybe that’s having a young family!). There’s obviously the low confidence and the idea of anything too energetic is awful. I want that, but my body won’t let me and I’d rather not start something I can’t finish.
The consequence of being overweight and realising just how much this is affecting me and my sex life means I am finally going to be doing something about it (Be prepared for a lot of ups and downs, rants and raving about this in the future.)
The second issue I have is that I struggle with anxiety. This can range from mild moments of worry to breath taking irrational fear. This doesn’t affect my love life and sexual exploitations too much, as the relationship I have with Mr Rose is pure love, adoration and it’s safe. I can tell Mr Rose absolutely anything without worrying how he’ll react. He may not always agree with what I have to say but he never judges me for my opinion. He accepts me however I am. It does, however, affect the way I talk to people about sex and kinks. In real life I am open and honest but following this I experience weeks of torment, constantly questioning myself. Did I offend that person? Did that upset them? Were they horrified thinking of this chunky-bottomed woman having sex? I shouldn’t have spoken, etc.
I’m already experiencing mild waves of anxiety over this blog, but I think that overall I want my voice to be heard. I want to be able to tell people that I have sex, I have kinks and I’m going to explore them. I may not force my opinions onto you but if you want to know what I do think of things then they’re here, in this blog, for you to read.
Due to my irrational anxiety, if you wonderfully clever people do work out my identity or are made aware of it, I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell my mum 🙂 or anyone else. Keep it to yourself. Thanks for reading.